Random Crap

Is all that I seem to write these days. My creative pea brain has been on strike for some time now and probably will stay that way until after the baby is born. I mean there are a million and one things on my mind at the moment but I have been trying to focus on staying strong rather than let myself be inundated with nasty thoughts. The only problem is I can’t banish these thoughts from my dreams. Try as I might to push out the positive, deep down there somewhere the nasties abide. I can feel them bubble up ready to come out but I just keep pushing them back down there, shake my head and tell myself I am being silly and to just not think about it. Thus far it seems to be working, while I am awake that is. My dreams tell a different story.

Mother was telling me the other day that she thinks I have had such an easy pregnancy because I am strong both physically and mentally. It got me thinking that yes she may see that side of it. BUT I don’t allow her to see the other side. I don’t allow anyone to see the other side. I made that decision when I found out I was pregnant. No complaining, I said to myself, you’ve made this decision to have this baby no one needs to hear all the insecurities and worries that you may have. So since that day that’s how it’s been. The only problem is I am not 100% confident in myself as a first time mother and the worries on my mind seem to be doubling at an alarming rate. I have joined a pregnancy forum, which does help some, but still there I am scared to post my worries, I just read everyone else’s. This week I have made a conscious decision to post something everyday and it has actually made me feel a bit better about everything. The advice given is not that much help as everyone is in the same boat as me but just getting it down and out there is what has helped. Still I am not so sure I will voice my worries to people I know, it sorta just makes me feel like a failure when I do.

Since finding out about the pregnancy my whole life has completely changed. In 7 months I have turned into a different person. I was a very opinionated outspoken person, also an alcoholic but so headstrong and determined that I shit people to tears. Now I feel like a brooder. I don’t say much and I contemplate everything. My cheeky laugh is still there just not heard now for days on end. Some days it feels like I have lost that spark to my life. The only constant in my life that I don’t worry about is Batman. He is as strong as an ox and wont let me brood for too long. He also keeps me in my place at home. Sure some days he is a bit hard on me, but most days I need it. I need that tough love to get me through and remind me that I am being silly. But the support I get from him I would get from no one else. I don’t think anyone else would know how.

Poor Batman. Oh Well I gotta just keep trudging on and everything should just sort itself out in the end right? Right!